After 15 years of gaslighting, how can I be sure I wasn’t the problem?
Phil writes: I’ve learned I was gaslit for 15+ years in my marriage before I left. I was always the problem. Now that I’ve left, how do I know that I’m not that person? I know my heart is good and true, but what if she was right? I’m having trouble believing myself, and that I’m actually good instead of just acting good.
Dear Phil,
One of the reasons I started this relationship advice column is because I know how easy it is to feel alone in the experiences we have—in our intimate relationships and also in our relationships with ourselves.
For instance, this question you ask—how do I know I’m actually good and not just acting good?—probably feels to you like a question you’re asking because there’s genuine reason to doubt your goodness.
I’m guessing that if we were chatting about this, you might justify questioning your goodness by telling me about how you weren’t perfect in this marriage, and that you said and did a lot of things that you regret. You might explain that these things you did are evidence that you’re actually not a good person, no matter how much you want to believe that you are.
I’ve worked with many people who’ve been partnered with someone who engaged in gaslighting. Partners who do this make you doubt your own reality, your own memories, your own experiences within the relationship. They invalidate you at every turn, and leave you feeling confused and unable to trust your own sense of things.
So while you might assume that you’re questioning your inherent goodness for valid reasons, I don’t think this is the case. I wouldn’t even be able to count how many people I’ve worked with who’ve struggled with the exact same self-doubt in the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship that was characterized by gaslighting.
In other words, you’re not alone. And you’re not questioning your goodness because you’re not good. You’re questioning your goodness because that’s what we do when we’ve experienced gaslighting for 15 years.
I hope that comes as a relief to you, but I understand if you still suspect that you’re the exception to the rule that I’m laying out here. It takes quite a bit of time to really come out of the psychological and emotional disorientation that results from having your ability to trust your own reality undermined at every turn.
It’s not possible to stay in a marriage like this for 15 years and hold on to your own sense of reality. The only way that you were able to sustain this relationship for so long was by taking all the blame and doubting yourself whenever your spouse presented a wildly distorted version of reality that just wouldn’t line up with yours.
Here’s something else that I’ve observed over the course of my work with hundreds of people.
You know who agonizes over whether or not they’re a good person? People who want to be good. People like you and me.
You know who doesn’t agonize over whether or not they’re a good person? People who refuse to consider their own role in interpersonal problems; people who always think someone else is to blame for their difficult feelings or frustrations or challenges in life.
In other words, people who gaslight others do not agonize over whether or not they’re good. They don’t fret over their behavior or second-guess their inner motivations.
So, as strange as it might sound, the fact that you’re questioning whether or not you’re a good person speaks to your deep desire to be good, to be kind, and to treat others well. It speaks to the fact that your inner moral compass is intact and functioning effectively, even as you are trying to get your bearings again after this relationship.
Now that we’re clear on that, let’s talk more about what happened in your relationship and why your sense of reality—including who you are as a person and how you show up in relationships—ended up so confused, so that when you try to see yourself clearly, it’s more like looking into a series of funhouse mirrors, each of which distorts your features in bizarre and disturbing ways that make it impossible for you to even recognize yourself.
In a nutshell, here’s how an emotionally abusive relationship involving gaslighting works: One partner looks inward while the other partner blames outward.
Here’s what I mean by this. One partner (that’s you) looks inward to consider what might be causing conflict or issues in your marriage. The partner who looks inward is open to feedback from their mate and engages in self-reflection in response to concerns that are expressed.
When we look inward, we consider how our actions are contributing to problematic patterns in the relationship. We’re willing to question our own perspective on the situation. We try to look at things through our partner’s eyes, to see what they’re seeing. We know we have potential blind spots. And we take personal responsibility for our contributions to relationship problems.
When both partners are open to hearing the other’s perspective and engage in self-reflection, looking inward provides a strong foundation for building a healthy, happy relationship and working through the inevitable issues that arise in any long-term relationship.
But what happens when one person looks inward, to consider their role in problems, while their partner blames outward—pointing the finger at external factors (most often their mate) as the source of problems?
Let’s imagine this for a moment. (Although I’m guessing that it won’t be too hard for you to imagine since you’ve already lived through this.)
Let’s say you and your partner have planned an exciting vacation. Your preference is to get to the airport early, but your partner prefers to arrive with just enough time to catch the flight without having to wait around.
So the day comes, your partner sleeps in and then rushes around packing, and then she wants to stop for coffee on the way to the airport. You’re feeling super stressed about the possibility of missing the plane, but aside from a few reminders about the time, you try to stay quiet.
Halfway to the airport, your partner realizes she doesn’t have her ID. And, long story short, you miss your flight. She immediately erupts at you, saying, “This is all your fault! If you hadn’t been rushing me, I wouldn’t have forgotten my wallet. This is one more example of how your anxiety ruins everything.”
And you immediately think: What should I have done differently? Maybe I should have just made sure she was up earlier, and then I wouldn’t have had to say anything about the time? Maybe I should have suggested packing last night instead. But that probably would have ended up being a fight too. I was feeling anxious this morning and I’m sure that didn’t help things. If I hadn’t said anything about the time, we’d probably be on our flight right now.
The thing that makes gaslighting so insidious in a relationship is one person’s tendency to blame the other when things go wrong, while that person internalizes the blame and focuses all their attention on figuring out what they should have done differently in order to get a better outcome.
Over time, the inward-looking partner’s sense of reality becomes more and more skewed as they try to understand the distorted version of reality presented by the gaslighting partner. We keep trying more and more new and different things to keep our partner happy and prevent ourselves from being blamed when things go wrong. And that requires trying to anticipate how each action we take might backfire or upset our partner in some way.
When we work so hard to see the other person’s perspective that we completely lose touch with our own perspective, we inevitably become confused.
This is why it can be very helpful to seek outside perspectives from our friends and loved ones. In the example I just gave, getting an outside perspective from a trusted other might sound like saying something like, “Well, we missed our flight because she forgot her ID. That morning, I had reminded her twice what time it was and what time we needed to board the flight. And so, she blamed me for rushing her and she said it was my fault we missed our flight. I’ve completely lost perspective at this point because it feels like everything’s always my fault. What do you think?”
Sometimes, even just saying it out loud to someone else can be helpful because it gives you a chance to hear your own voice. You start to see that the reality inside your relationship is very skewed and distorted.
You might be able to see that something must be off if everything is always somehow your fault. But when we’ve been the target of gaslighting for years, it becomes very difficult to think clearly.
Oftentimes, I compare it to living inside a snow globe, where there’s a constant swirl of accusations and blame, which makes it nearly impossible to see anything outside the storm of confusion and self-doubt.
In your marriage, you may have thought that it was your job to prove to your spouse that things weren’t always your fault.
You might have thought it was your job to prove your good intentions as a way of defending yourself against blame and recriminations. You may have operated in this relationship as though you were guilty of whatever accusations your spouse threw at you, unless you could prove yourself to be 100% innocent.
Emotionally abusive relationships often work like this: We are guilty until we prove ourselves innocent.
But it’s never your job to prove your good intentions, especially to someone who’s committed to misunderstanding you and who’s skilled at twisting anything you say or do into something bad.
Healthy relationships don’t require that we prove ourselves or our goodness beyond a shadow of doubt. Healthy relationships are formed by two loving partners who want the best for themselves and each other, and who give each other the benefit of the doubt.
So, now that you’re out of this marriage, let’s talk about how you can start to have a healthy relationship with yourself—one that assumes your goodness instead of demanding that you prove it.
The first thing to do is to notice that you’ve internalized the voice of your former spouse. This inner voice is likely offering an ongoing stream of commentary on your choices, actions, feelings, and intentions. It’s this internalized voice of your former spouse that demands you prove beyond any doubt that you are good.
If you try to do this—if you engage with this voice—it will respond by dredging up times in the past when you didn’t handle things perfectly as evidence that you’re definitely not as good as you think you are.
In these moments, when you catch yourself engaged in this inner dialogue about whether you are or are not a good person, just stop.
Take a breath. Remind yourself of this: I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m a good person. Those who know me and love me know my heart and my intentions.
Now, if you remind yourself of this, that inner voice of your former spouse is very likely to keep talking. It will pipe up with something like, “Oh sure. But they don’t know you like I know you. I know what you’re really like.”
My advice is: Don’t argue with this voice. Just notice it.
If it helps, imagine this voice like a dark cloud passing across the sun, creating momentary shadows. Just breathe, resist engaging with this voice, and let that cloud keep moving.
Remind yourself: I care about being a good person. I care about being kind. I can be kind to myself right now and give myself the benefit of the doubt.
For all of us who care about being good, relationships are about living in alignment with our values.
We are all unkind sometimes. We get angry, we feel hurt, we lash out, we say something we regret. When these moments happen in healthy relationships, they’re followed by a repair and often an apology.
That might sound something like, “Wow. I was way out of line. That had nothing to do with you. I’m sorry I said that.” Then we might take some time to look inward, to self-reflect and consider what’s going on with us and how we might handle similar situations in the future in ways that are in alignment with our values.
Being kind to yourself is just as important as being kind to others. And for those of us who have been in abusive relationships, the path toward learning how to be kind to ourselves often requires far more effort and attention than knowing how to be kind to a partner.
And on that note, Phil, that’s exactly what I wish for you: that you’ll remember how to be kind to yourself. That you’ll let go of the need to prove to yourself or anyone else that you’re good and instead just trust yourself.
And then, you’ll take that energy and you’ll put it toward tending to your own heart and healing, and learn how to give yourself the grace that you give to others.
~Angela
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DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
