Why won't my partner take emotional responsibility in our relationship?
Matt writes: I’m very much aware of my flaws and shortcomings. How do I convince my spouse or help them realize they also have issues to work through?
Dear Matt,
Can I just begin by saying how much I appreciate that you are aware of—and willing to own—the personal challenges that you bring to your relationship? I wouldn’t call these things “flaws” because I don’t believe that we humans are flawed.
We all have things that we bring into our intimate relationships as a result of past relationship experiences that create difficulties for ourselves and for our partners. And we all have parts of our personalities that will generate friction in our relationships.
For example, we might have a tendency to lose track of time and always be late wherever we’re going. Or maybe we weren’t blessed by the gods with infinite patience. We might be very reactive to stress. Or we might tend to assume that our partner can read our mind, when really they can’t.
Growing up in my family, it was totally normal to talk to people who were in other rooms of the house, just by raising your voice and speaking very loudly (a.k.a. shouting) so they could hopefully hear you wherever they happened to be.
I still do that, even though my partner has asked me not to. But I forget, and I do it without even realizing that I’m doing it. Let’s just say this communication habit of mine drives my partner slightly bonkers. Is that a shortcoming on my part? Perhaps it is. I try working on it, but I get distracted—I’m thinking about something else, and suddenly catch myself yelling from room to room.
The point is that some old habits are difficult to change. We all have unique quirks that are partly personality and partly our upbringing. And, as I always say, there’s never a requirement to be perfect in our relationships.
We don’t have to be perfect. But what is important is that when our partner explains the impact that our behavior is having on them, we take what they say seriously and think about how we might do things differently. We make an effort, even if those efforts fall short on occasion.
The willingness to consider the impact we have on our intimate partner is especially important when we have past trauma, either from childhood or previous intimate relationships or both.
Trauma and painful relationship histories almost inevitably show up as “issues” in our current relationship, at least until we’ve worked through them. In order to work on these issues, we have to know what they are. We have to be able to recognize them. And we have to admit—to ourselves and our partner—that they’re there.
So, when you say that you’re well aware of your flaws and shortcomings, I think what you’re saying is that you’re conscious of the particular issues and tendencies that you’ve brought into your relationship, you see that they’re creating problems, and you’re taking responsibility for working on these issues so they don’t impact your partner so much.
Before I address your question of “how do I convince my spouse that they also have issues to work through,” I want to highlight two relationship skills you’re demonstrating in your willingness to work on your own issues: self-reflection and personal responsibility. These are both skills that are vital for creating healthy, happy relationships.
When it comes to interpersonal relationships and understanding patterns of conflict or disconnection, self-reflection is our capacity and willingness to look inward and consider how we are contributing to troublesome patterns in a relationship.
Self-reflection is what’s needed when our partner gives us specific feedback about how our actions, choices, and tendencies are affecting them. For example, if our reactivity or short temper is making it difficult for them to bring up concerns in the relationship, it’s our job to be open to feedback and self-reflect on it.
This means taking in what our partner has shared, considering it, trying to understand where they’re coming from, and thinking about how we might feel in their shoes. And if we do see where our partner is coming from—if we recognize that we seem to have an unusually short temper—self-reflection also involves asking ourselves if we want to change and, if so, how we might go about making changes.
In other words, there’s a lot that goes into self-reflection. Within the context of intimate relationships, it requires that we’re willing to take seriously what our partner shares with us, instead of immediately dismissing or denying their experience.
But that doesn’t mean we have to agree with our partner’s perspective.
For example, if we’re chronically late and our partner says, “You know, I’ve realized that the reason you are always late when we have plans is because you’re self-absorbed and you think your time is more valuable than mine,” we might disagree with their perspective on why we’re chronically late. And yet, we can still take in the feedback that our lateness is affecting our partner and then engage in self-reflection to understand more about why we’re always late and how we might change.
So that brings me to the second relationship skill I mentioned: personal responsibility.
Once we self-reflect, and we recognize that our actions are impacting our partner negatively, even if we don’t agree with their perspective on why we’re doing the thing we’re doing, we can still take responsibility for our actions and determine if we want to make changes.
In my case of talking loudly to my partner when he’s in another room (sometimes with the door closed), his initial conclusion was that I wanted him to get up and come to me, instead of me moving to where he was. This interpretation of my motives wasn’t correct, but it did make me think about why I do that and whether I wanted to change.
If I was guarded and defended and wanted to deny my issues, my tactic here would have been to argue with his interpretation. I might have engaged in blame shifting, pointing out how problematic it is that he makes incorrect assumptions about my motives. Or I might have dismissed his concerns by pointing out that none of my previous romantic partners had complained about this communication habit.
But none of those reactions would have acknowledged the impact my behavior was having on my partner or taken personal responsibility. And none of these responses would have resolved the issue in our relationship. Instead, these approaches of blame shifting, denial, minimizing, and misdirection would have left my partner feeling frustrated and like his feelings didn’t matter to me.
Now that we’ve taken a look at these two essential skills of self-reflection and personal responsibility in intimate relationships, let’s talk about your question: How do I convince or help my spouse realize that they also have issues to work through?
My simplest and most straightforward answer to this question is this: You can’t. You can’t convince your spouse to look inward in self-reflection if your spouse isn’t willing to do this.
The truth is that we can never convince someone else of anything—no matter how clearly we can see it and articulate it. No matter how supportive or encouraging we are. No matter how gentle or forceful we are with our words.
We as humans don’t like to be convinced of anything. In fact, if we sense that someone is trying to convince us to think something we don’t already think, to believe something we don’t already believe, we actively resist. We dig in our heels and stick to our guns.
Think about the last time someone tried to convince you of something, and recall how you responded to that. If you’re like most people who sense that someone else is trying to make them change their mind about something, you probably thought of all the reasons why what the other person said was wrong.
In other words, trying to convince your spouse that they have issues to work on is likely going to have the opposite effect that what you want.
Your spouse is going to poke holes in your argument and point out all the reasons why what you’re saying is wrong. They might demand you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have issues. And when you can’t do that, they might point to your issues (the ones you’ve already acknowledged) as the real source of relationship problems. And then you’re really stuck.
The other challenge we run into when we try to convince a partner that they have issues that need attention is that we’ve now taken responsibility for getting our partner to recognize they have issues. If they refuse to acknowledge those issues, we feel like it’s our job to figure out exactly the right words we need to say to convince them—to finally get them to see what we see.
Taking responsibility for getting our partner to change is a trap. It’s a trap that can keep us stuck for a long time if we don’t realize that it’s actually impossible to convince anyone else to change or even to acknowledge that our perspective has validity.
But just because you can’t convince your spouse to work on their issues doesn’t mean that you’re powerless. Just because your spouse doesn’t see that they have things to work on doesn’t mean that you can’t share your experience of how their issues are affecting you and your marriage.
You don’t have to stay silent about the impact your partner is having on you, just because they might not agree with your take on things. But you also don’t have to convince your partner that your perspective is right.
In other words, you don’t have to convince your spouse at all. And you also don’t have to justify your experience or perspective. You have the right to express how you’re affected by your spouse’s choices and behaviors in the relationship, whether or not they agree with you.
As you start speaking more openly about your experience in your marriage, you are inviting your spouse to begin to self-reflect and take personal responsibility for their role in relationship challenges.
One strategy for inviting self-reflection is to ask questions. You might say something like, “Have you ever noticed you have a tendency to shout from one room to another when you want to get my attention?” Or, “Have you ever noticed that when I’m really excited about spending time with my friends, you have a tendency to remind me of chores that need to be done around the house?”
These kinds of neutral observations, phrased as questions, can be effective because you’re not offering an interpretation of why your partner does something. You’re simply sharing your observations and your experience.
Then, the next time your partner does the same thing, you can say something like, “Do you notice that you’re doing that thing again?” Sharing the impact it has on you might sound something like, “I want to share my excitement with you. But when you start criticizing my friends, I feel deflated, and it makes me not want to talk to you about things I’m excited about.”
One essential quality of a loving relationship is care. In healthy relationships, we care about how our partner feels. We care about how our behavior is affecting our partner.
If, after sharing your experience and perspective, you don’t have the sense that your partner cares about their impact on you, this is a potential warning sign of deeper trouble in the relationship.
Your feelings and experience should matter to your partner. That doesn’t mean that they need to immediately conform to all of your preferences and change everything about themself in order to make you happy. It’s not our job to make our partner happy.
But what it does mean is that your partner should be open to hearing your experience and be concerned about your feelings. Rather than dismissing your feelings or arguing with your perspective, they’re should be open to figuring out how to resolve the issue and find solutions that work for both of you.
Finding solutions to relationship problems requires moving beyond attempts to assign blame or determine who’s at fault for relationship difficulties. Relationships flourish when both partners are willing to self-reflect and take personal responsibility for changing destructive patterns of behavior.
And on that note, Matt, I am wishing you the clarity and confidence to share your perspective with your spouse and the freedom of no longer taking responsibility for convincing them to acknowledge their issues.
~ Angela
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DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
