I can’t seem to move on from my vulnerable narcissist partner.
Jen writes: “I can't seem to move on after an 11 year textbook toxic relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. It's been 9 months. I'm dating someone else who is great. But the narcissist occupies much more of my brain than I'd like.”
Dear Jen,
Wouldn’t it be so much better if—after finally figuring out that you’re in a toxic relationship and then managing to extricate yourself from it— you could just move on and leave it behind without a backwards glance?
Honestly, this seems only fair, especially given how much time, energy, and emotion you expended and how much you put up with while you were in the relationship. But it doesn’t work that way, fortunately or unfortunately.
Instead, most people who’ve left a toxic relationship find themselves right where you are, months out from a breakup and still having way more intrusive thoughts and emotional entanglements than one would like.
If you think about it, even though nine months is a long time, it’s really nothing compared to the eleven years you spent in that relationship. When it comes to making sense of what happened in that relationship, you’re going to need to get some perspective.
And in order to get perspective, to really see that relationship clearly, you have to get some distance from it. And in order to get distance, you need time. So that’s where you’re at right now.
Time gives you distance and perspective.
It also gives you the chance to start peeling back the layers of a complicated relationship like this one, so you can begin to understand how your ex-partner’s vulnerable narcissism affected you and why it was actually impossible to get out of the relationship any sooner than you did.
Paradoxically, moving on from a past toxic relationship — so that it stops taking up so much brain space — requires first accepting that the relationship is going to take up way more mental space and consume far more emotional energy than you’d like. At least for a while.
If that seems strange, think about it this way. A toxic relationship with a vulnerable narcissist keeps you always on your toes. It keeps your head spinning. So it’s never really possible to see anything clearly.
Once you’re out, the first months are spent just getting your footing underneath you again and being able to say with confidence which way is up. In other words, it’s about regaining a sense of reality about yourself and your life. These first few months after a long-term toxic relationship ends are less about healing than about remembering how to follow your survival instincts and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
After all, you need to get yourself away from the scene before you can turn around and look at what you left behind. Only once you’re fully away from it and you’re safe can you really start the process of healing.
Here’s my philosophy on moving on after a toxic relationship: As soon as you’ve learned everything you need to learn from this relationship, it will fade into the past like a bad dream that has nothing more to offer you now.
Someday this relationship will be a distant something that happened to you some time ago that doesn’t really have anything to do with who you are or where you’re at in your life now.
There will come a day when this vulnerable narcissist former partner no longer lives in your head rent free.
I feel confident saying that because I’ve walked alongside so many people in similar situations to know that where you’re at right now is simply one stage in the healing process. But in order to move on, you’ve actually got to surrender to the thoughts, reminders, and anything else that’s coming up related to this former partner.
As unpleasant as it might be, you’ve got to let those memories have their way with you. They’re carrying vital information you’re going to want in the future.
I know that’s the exact opposite of what we want to do in these situations. Our impulse is to try to force ourselves to move on. We might chastise ourselves by saying something like: Get over it already! It’s been nine months already!
The way healing works, though, is less like getting over something and more like moving through it. Just like traveling from L.A. to New York, it takes the time that it takes.
Here’s something else I know. Healing doesn’t respond well to pep talks or stern talking-to’s.
Healing requires a lot of space, with extra room for self-compassion. That’s why pushing the thoughts about your narcissist ex away and trying to force yourself to move on takes a lot of energy and it rarely works for long.
Instead, here’s what might help:
Start by assuming that each time you’re reminded of your former partner, there’s something important you need to discover. It’s like there’s a little tiny gem of wisdom that’s hidden within whatever bad memory or upsetting thought that’s coming up. And it’s trying to get your attention.
Your mission—if you choose to accept it—is to find that gem that’s hidden in the muck.
For example:
Let’s say that you’re going about your regular day today when suddenly you remember that time three years ago when you took off work and completely re-arranged your schedule to be with your ex while they underwent a minor outpatient surgery. You’d thoughtfully prepared a care basket for them with all their favorite things and you spent the rest of the day doing whatever you could to make them comfortable, going so far as to watch a twelve hour Real Housewives marathon even though that’s most definitely not your thing.
The next morning when you’re heading to work, you open Instagram to see that your partner has given a shout-out to an acquaintance who’d dropped off a get well soon card. Their photo of the card has the caption “Good to be reminded that some people still know how to care.”
Your partner’s post has a bazillion comments all about how amazing your ex is, expressing well wishes and empathy, and several fawning or flirtatious comments like: If I’d known you were having surgery, I would’ve flown in to take care of you! 💋 💓 💋
As you read these comments, you feel a wave of confusion, shame, anxiety, and jealousy. Did I not do enough to show I care? It sounds like I wasn’t even there yesterday. How come the things I did don’t count? Ugh, why am I getting so worked up about this? I’m making a big deal about nothing. But why don’t I get any credit for everything I did?
When you have a memory like this come up, it often stirs up all the original feelings you had about it alongside even more feelings that come as you’re remembering it.
Sometimes one memory can work like a magnet that attracts a lot of related feelings and emotions from other occasions, which opens an opportunity to heal a lot of things at once…but it also takes up a lot of mental space.
If your usual response to these kinds of intrusive memories is to have an internal cringe response or feel upset, you may try to push the memory away and just move on with your day.
You might tell yourself that you’re so much better off now. Or you might feel bad about how little care and appreciation you received in that relationship. Or you might subtly judge yourself by thinking something like what on earth is wrong with me that I put up with that for so long?
But if you stay with that memory or thought or whatever way your vulnerable narcissist ex-partner is showing up in your head in this moment—instead of trying to push it away—you have the opportunity to get curious and ask, why am I thinking about this right now?
You probably won’t get an immediate answer. That’s okay. Just being open to the possibility that there’s something you can learn from painful past experiences is enough. It gives you the space to hold the memory and witness it from different (perhaps wiser or more compassionate) perspectives.
In my experience, when you’re able to cultivate an open acceptance to intrusive thoughts about a past toxic relationship, the moments of insight and wisdom will come eventually.
Using the example of a partner’s post-surgery Instagram bid for attention, let’s say you find yourself remembering how bad you felt when you read your partner’s post and the responses. Or how annoying it was to read all the comments from others who felt sorry for your partner, who believed your partner wasn’t getting the care and attention they deserved.
Let’s say this memory reminds you of how invisible you always felt in that relationship and how you never felt like you were good enough. You might surprise yourself by asking: Hold on, why did I always assume I was in the wrong any time there was tension in that relationship?
And if you ask yourself this question with curiosity (instead of self-judgment), it might lead you to recognize that this relationship with the vulnerable narcissist actually connects to a larger pattern you’ve carried with you through much of your life. And maybe as you continue to think about this, you might realize that you’ve almost always assumed that if someone is upset with you, it means you’ve done something wrong.
Now you’re on the track to something new.
This kind of meaningful discovery about relationship patterns can lead you to even more insights that you can use to heal and grow in new directions—both in your relationships with others as well as your relationship with yourself.
Or, let’s say the same memory comes up and you remember that after you saw the Instagram post, you called in to work and turned around to go back and take care of your partner. And this leads you to reflect that you seem to have a weak spot for partners (and others) who don’t value you, so that instead of detaching from relationships where you’re not appreciated, you double down and try harder to prove your worth to the other person.
Peeling back the layers and getting to the root of what happened and why in past relationships begins with recognizing that even though we just want to move on and we don’t want to think about the unpleasant or painful experiences, there are very valuable things we can learn if we do make space for these thoughts when they come up.
This doesn’t mean you have to obsessively dig and unearth every bad thing that happened in the relationship in order to uncover every possible insight and little piece of wisdom.
Instead you can try trusting that whatever you need to learn in order to grow from this relationship will present itself to you and all you need to do is pay attention and be curious.
And on that note, I am wishing you some surprising insights along the path to feeling truly free of this past relationship.
~Angela
Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.
DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
