How do I ask my partner to change with upsetting her?
Here’s a question for you: How do you ask for what you need in a relationship, or make requests about what you’d like to see change, without upsetting your partner in the process? And what do you do when it seems like, no matter your intentions, your partner still feels hurt by what you’ve said?
Ethan asked me a question about this. He writes:
“I need to figure out how to communicate better with my girlfriend. I’ve always thought of myself as a good communicator. But in this relationship, I seem to often hurt my girlfriend’s feelings with the things I say. I’ve never had this problem with previous girlfriends. But it’s a real problem in this relationship.
I can’t seem to figure out how to phrase things so she doesn’t get upset. Maybe I’m being too blunt. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t like what I have to say. I’m not sure. It’s gotten to the point where I’m second-guessing whether or not to even bring something up, because I don’t want it to turn into a fight. We just moved in together recently and maybe this is stress about living together. It usually happens when I ask her to change something she’s doing.
Last night, I asked if she could find another place for her shoes instead of leaving them wherever she takes them off (and that was only because I tripped over them and then banged my knee on the coffee table). Before that, we got into a fight because I asked her if she could clean the litter for her cat more often, and she said I was being critical and judgmental. I don’t think I was. But whatever the truth is, I think I just need to find new ways to talk to her so she doesn’t get so upset.”
Dear Ethan,
Congratulations on moving in with your girlfriend. That’s a big and exciting step in a relationship, and it’s one in which there will inevitably be a period of adjustment as you learn to navigate the particular realities that come with sharing space with another person. I appreciate the ways in which you’ve recognized the importance of communicating well through the transition into living together.
And while it’s likely that some of the tension you’re experiencing relates to the added stress of moving in together, it’s also likely that a larger communication issue was uncovered by the increased intimacy of cohabiting.
One of the biggest predictors of success for couples in therapy is the ability for each partner to take a look at their own individual contributions to the relationship dynamics that brought them there.
In general, most of us have an easier time recognizing what the other person is doing to contribute to problems than recognizing our own role in unsatisfying relationship dynamics.
In its most exaggerated expression, this takes the form of two people essentially pointing the finger at each other, locked in a never-ending battle to pin the blame on the other person.
Obviously, no one wants a relationship dynamic like that.
The ability to engage in self-reflection and take personal responsibility for the impact we have on our partner is really important in intimate relationships.
It’s usually the case that when we self-reflect and take into consideration feedback we’ve gotten from our partner, we can identify some ways that we might have handled the situation differently. And yet, one of the most troubling relationship patterns that I see is when one partner is self-reflective and the other partner isn’t.
We’ve probably all heard that when it comes to relationships, “it takes two to tango.” What this means is that most relationship issues involve two partners who are contributing to the problem.
While there are certainly important exceptions for abusive relationships, in general, when we’re talking about an intimate relationship between two well-meaning individuals, it’s fair to assume that both partners are playing a role in the dynamic, even if that’s unintentional and unconscious.
So what does this mean for the situation you find yourself in now, where you haven’t been able to find ways to express concerns or make requests that don’t end up with your girlfriend having hurt feelings?
It’s clear from your letter that you’ve already been doing a fair amount of thinking about why this keeps happening. But what’s not clear is whether you and your girlfriend have had a calm conversation about what’s happening and how it might be different.
Instead, it sounds like you’ve primarily been trying to figure this out on your own. And that’s a great start. It’s an essential step in this process.
But if we take seriously the idea that relationship issues involve contributions from both partners, then one partner’s self-reflection won’t be enough to fix the problem.
At the same time, starting with self-reflection is going to give you some vital information about what might be happening here. I always encourage people to approach self-reflection in the spirit of radical honesty.
For example, let’s imagine that your girlfriend has told you that her feelings are hurt because the way you say things and your tone sound really critical. Radical honesty means taking a moment and asking yourself, “Is any part of this feedback true?”
In other words, when she’s perceiving that you’re being critical, are you able to identify actually feeling critical of her—because of where she leaves her shoes or how often she cleans the cat litter? If you can identify even a shred of criticism or judgment in your attitude toward her, that’s something to consider working through.
Because if criticism comes across in your communication, it’s almost certain that she’ll detect it. And your request will devolve into an argument.
But let’s say that you engage in radical honesty with yourself and you truly cannot identify any critical or judgmental thoughts that are being communicated in your requests.
It really seems to you, upon reflection, that you are making a direct, nonjudgmental request, but it is nevertheless resulting in an argument. So what do you do now?
This is the point at which one partner’s self-reflection can only go so far.
This is the point at which you need to engage your partner in the process of talking through this dynamic that’s emerged now that you’re living together. It probably goes without saying that the best time to have this conversation is not in the heat of the moment.
You can set yourselves up for greater success if you make a plan to talk later, when you’re both calm.
It’s important not to let too much time go by, though, because it’s harder to revisit a conversation when the details have become fuzzy. And if you’ve already found yourself wanting to avoid upsetting your girlfriend by letting things go, I imagine it would be very tempting to just move on once an argument is over.
This kind of avoidance makes a lot of sense if you don’t like conflict or tension. But unfortunately, it has the effect of perpetuating the cycle.
Once you have a plan to talk—maybe a few hours after the event or the next day—you can open the conversation by sharing your intent. This might sound something like, “When I asked you if you could leave your shoes somewhere else, my intent was that we might figure out where shoes are going to be left in our new home.”
Once you’ve shared your intent, you can ask your girlfriend to share what she experienced. “Can you tell me what you heard in what I said?” This kind of question helps you understand the impact of what you said, which might be quite different from what you intended.
This will be key in getting to the bottom of this dynamic and figuring out how to do things differently.
Let’s say that she says something like, “Well, I heard you saying that it was my fault you banged your knee, even though it never occurred to me that you would walk through the living room without turning on the light.”
Now, you might notice here that you may want to jump in and explain why you didn’t turn on a light, by saying something like, “I didn’t turn on a light because I didn’t want to wake you up!” or some similar kind of explanation.
That would be a wrong turn here, because it would take you away from understanding and likely head straight into another argument.
Instead, the important information that your girlfriend has shared here is the first part of what she said: “I heard you saying that it was my fault you banged your knee.”
This is where your previous self-reflection is going to be super valuable, because you can then share something like, “Oh. It definitely wasn’t my intention to blame you. I really was only trying to figure out how we might do things differently moving forward.”
Do you see how this way of communicating works?
Our natural inclination is often to defend ourselves and correct misunderstandings by pointing out where the other person is wrong. Or we poke holes in their arguments with the intent of coming out on top and hopefully making them see the superior wisdom in our position.
Of course, we also know that none of these approaches ever actually leave us feeling good or lead to renewed connection with our partner. But it can be so tempting to respond in this way as soon as we hear our partner share something about their experience that is based on an incorrect assumption, like your girlfriend saying, “You were blaming me,” if you actually weren’t blaming her.
Ideally, if you can stay calm and centered in a conversation like this, you can use your discovery that your girlfriend heard you blaming her to uncover one root cause of your frequent conflicts.
It might be the case that you’ve typically approached communication in your past relationships as a relatively straightforward process. You say what the problem is and ask your partner to participate in executing the solution.
For example, “I don’t want to trip over your shoes because you leave them in the middle of the floor. Can you please start putting them in the closet instead?” This may have worked just fine in past relationships.
Perhaps it’s the case that you are a low-context communicator who has been in relationships with other low-context communicators, meaning that you and your former partners approached communication by taking what’s said literally and not reading into it at all.
However, not everyone is like that. Many people are high-context communicators, which means that not everything that’s said can be taken literally or at face value.
And often, what’s said is really only pointing toward the importance of what’s been left unsaid. And to make it even more complex, everything that’s said is understood through what’s being perceived in the other’s tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. And all of that is also cross-checked with past conversations and experiences in your relationship as well as past relationships.
So while communication might initially seem like a pretty straightforward process, in most intimate relationships, it’s highly complex and far more complicated.
This is why, for many couples, talking more is so vital, because the initial assumptions we make about what’s being communicated are often incomplete or even wrong.
Now, let’s add one more complicating factor into couples’ communication.
When we’ve been the target of a lot of criticism in the past, either from a former partner or a parent (or both), we are primed to hear any feedback or requests to change as critical.
In other words, while you might be communicating something very neutral, like, “Can you put your shoes somewhere else so I don’t trip over them,” your girlfriend might be hearing something more like, “What kind of a person leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor? What’s wrong with you?”
One way to think about this is to imagine that there is a really mean translator who’s taking what you’re saying and making it fit into the kinds of things your girlfriend has heard from others in the past.
This translator is often referred to as the “inner critic.” I’ve oftentimes called it that myself, but I think the term “Inner Critic” often makes it sound like it’s something that’s part of us or something we were born with.
It’s far more accurate to understand the Inner Critic as something that develops as a result of painful past experiences, including relational trauma.
There’s a lot here, so let me pull it all together for you.
What matters most is this: when the same conflict keeps repeating, it’s usually not just about what was said. It’s often about how it was said or what was heard. Or both.
That’s why it’s going to take both of you to figure out what’s getting lost in translation, resulting in conflict, hurt feelings, and confusion.
Changing this dynamic requires setting aside time to explore the pattern itself, rather than only talking about the individual issues where this pattern plays out.
When both partners are willing to engage in thoughtful self-reflection, underlying issues like subtle criticism, judgment, and the presence of an inner critic who distorts neutral requests will become evident.
This is a way of balancing consideration of intent and impact in communication, while supporting each other and working together to improve your communication.
So, here’s my wish for you, Ethan. May you not lose your voice in an effort to keep the peace in your relationship. And instead, may you find new and deeper ways to communicate with your girlfriend. May you grow in your ability to communicate directly with love and care, while your girlfriend grows in her ability to receive your communication fully, without the interference of hurtful and distorted translations.
~Angela
Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.
DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
