When little misunderstandings keep becoming big relationship battles
Some of the most frustrating conflicts in intimate relationships aren’t rooted in real disagreements or deep differences between partners. Instead, they begin with misunderstandings—misread comments, incomplete information, or assumptions that escalate before we have a chance to slow down and catch up with what’s actually happening.
Jo wrote to me with a question that captures this dynamic perfectly:
“My partner and I seem to be stuck in a cycle where we have huge fights that turn out to be because of a misunderstanding. But we don’t figure that out until we’ve already blown up at each other or spoiled an entire afternoon. Here’s a recent example. My partner said that he didn’t think it was a good idea to take time off work to go on a trip we’d planned to Florida. I immediately felt hurt and upset because I’ve been working overtime for several months now, and the only thing that’s been keeping me going is thinking about being on the beach with a drink in one hand and a book in the other. Unfortunately, because I felt hurt, I reacted to my husband by saying, “Fine. I’ll just go to Florida without you.” Then, he felt really hurt because it turned out that he was going to suggest a trip to Europe instead, because I’ve always wanted to go to France. But by the time I learned all that, we were barely speaking to each other. And we both felt so hurt by what was said in the fight that realizing it was all a misunderstanding didn’t help. How do we break this cycle?”
Dear Jo,
One of the most amazing things about the human mind is how much information we can take in from the outside world and how quickly we can come to conclusions about that information.
Even without trying, we can assess a situation in the blink of an eye. And in the next blink of an eye, before we even realize it, we are already responding.
This is how we’re able to go from cruising down the road singing along to our favorite song to slamming on the brakes when a dog darts out into the street. We are capable of responding so fast to emergencies that it’s almost like we’re not thinking at all. Some kind of autopilot kicks in, and we react instantaneously to avert catastrophe.
But, as your letter illustrates so poignantly, this ability to react with lightning speed can create challenges in our intimate relationships.
Whereas it might only take a second to recognize that the shape rapidly approaching the road is a dog and to put on the brakes, it’s a lot more complicated to figure out what your husband is really trying to say when he suggests that you postpone your trip to Florida.
The challenge is that our mind comes to conclusions about meaning so quickly. And if this meaning isn’t something we like, it’s followed by a surge of emotions that makes it difficult to think clearly or do anything other than react by expressing those emotions.
What you’re describing—about jumping to conclusions about what your partner has said—is what psychologists often call mind-reading.
In essence, you assume you know what your husband is thinking and where he’s coming from when he suggests postponing your vacation. And based on those assumptions, you have all kinds of strong feelings—hurt, frustration, disappointment.
And those feelings probably lead to thoughts like, “He doesn’t really care about me,” or “He always does this,” or “He’d rather sit around playing video games than go on vacation with me.” And once you’ve had those thoughts, maybe you feel entirely justified in blasting your selfish jerk of a husband who doesn’t care at all about how hard you’ve been working.
When we are flooded by strong emotions, our ability to think and reflect goes temporarily offline. We react without pausing to consider what more information we might need before coming to conclusions about the situation we’re in.
And to make this worse, our strong emotions convince us that our reaction is entirely justified. As you’ve already recognized, this is a recipe for hurtful—even explosive—conflicts that aren’t grounded in any real disagreement between you and your partner.
So if this is the case, and the mind-reading and emotional response happen in the blink of an eye, how do you start to interrupt this pattern?
Ideally, you might like to not have the strong emotional response in the first place. But in my experience, this can be a difficult place to intervene in the cycle for many people.
To some degree, how quickly we react and how strongly we react can be fairly innate.
So while some individuals are blessed with a stoic temperament that allows them to respond slowly, others are not so blessed. And for those of us who tend to be more reactive (and I put myself in this category), it can be more effective to focus on what comes after the initial emotional reaction.
Here’s what this looks like in practice.
You’ve come home from a long day of work and your husband says something like, “Do you have a minute?” And without even pausing, he continues, “I don’t think we should go to Florida. It doesn’t seem like the best use of our limited vacation time.”
And before he can say any more, you have all the feelings—hurt, anger, disappointment, maybe feeling unappreciated. You have all these feelings, and everything in you wants to lay into your selfish, uncaring husband and maybe cause him to feel some of the hurt that you’re feeling.
But this is the exact moment when you have an opportunity to break the cycle. Because there is a moment here, even though it’s really small and easy to overlook.
This is the moment when you can choose to pause and take a deep breath. This is the moment when you can recognize that you need more information, because you are actively engaged in mind-reading and assuming that you know where your husband is coming from.
So instead of unleashing all that emotion in your husband’s direction, you need to contain it—at least long enough to figure out whether it’s justified by the situation. Developing the ability to contain your emotions rather than immediately spilling them out into your environment takes practice.
Emotional containment is an important relationship skill, because it’s the lack of emotional containment that fuels hurtful arguments and destructive patterns for couples.
As with all relationship skills, it’s not fair to expect that you’re going to develop this one overnight. Perhaps the first time you try to contain your feelings, you’re only able to do it for 60 seconds before you launch into your familiar pattern with your husband. That’s still progress, because in those 60 seconds you’re already starting to break the habit of mind-reading.
When it comes to changing relationship patterns and developing new skills for partnership, progress isn’t linear. And perfection isn’t necessary—or even realistic.
When you’re able to contain your feelings, even briefly, and you recognize that you don’t actually have enough information to come to conclusions about your husband’s thoughts, feelings, or motivations, then it becomes clear that what’s needed is more information.
In other words, it’s time to ask some questions. But how you ask questions matters a lot.
There’s a huge difference between asking neutral questions like, “Can you tell me more about what you’re thinking?” or “I don’t understand. Where’s this coming from?” and questions that are laden with hostility, like, “Do you have any idea how hurtful that is to me?” or even, “Help me understand—why would you even suggest canceling the trip?”
The emotional charge you’re already feeling, paired with ingrained communication habits in your relationship, will have you leaning toward asking a question that’s already based on assumptions that may be completely wrong.
This is why giving yourself a moment to pause and collect yourself before responding is so important.
Because thinking on your feet in these moments is tricky, it’s absolutely okay to use a stock question that is completely neutral.
I like the question, “Can you tell me more?” because it’s short, easy to remember, and completely neutral.
Inviting your partner to share more information not only gives you the context you need to understand where he’s coming from, it also gives you the chance to continue focusing on containing your emotions as you listen.
I’ve written many times about the value of curiosity in relationships as a way to deepen intimacy and improve communication. One way to understand mind-reading is as the absence of curiosity.
When you assume you already know everything about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and motivations, curiosity disappears—even though, as you’ve discovered, you don’t actually have the full picture.
If you’d like to explore this idea further, you can read more about how to heal past relationship trauma while in a relationship, and about defensiveness in relationships and how it derails connection.
Now let’s say you’re able to ask a question like, “Can you tell me more about this?” And your husband starts to share more about his thought process and where he’s coming from.
While this sounds straightforward, there are still a few potential pitfalls here.
First, you two have a well-established pattern of fighting, which means that your husband may read the emotions on your face and in your voice and react with his own emotions, even though you’re trying to do something different.
Secondly, when our emotions are heightened, it’s very difficult to hear our partner accurately, even when we’re trying. So the risk of jumping to conclusions and mind-reading doesn’t end just because you’ve asked a neutral question.
The best chance of success is to continue slowing down the process of communication.
Apart from asking neutral questions, you can slow everything down by attempting to summarize and reflect what you’ve heard. This might sound like, “What I hear you saying is that you don’t think we should use our vacation time to go to Florida?”
Or, if you’re like many of us, you might unintentionally slip your own assumptions into your summary: “What I hear you saying is that you don’t think it’s worth it to use our vacation time to go to Florida?”
The good thing is that even if you get it wrong, this attempt at reflecting back what you’re hearing gives your partner a chance to clarify, correct, or add more information so that you can come to a shared understanding of what’s being communicated.
Because this is a well-established pattern in your relationship, it’s likely that both of you need to develop these skills—pausing, slowing down, containing your own emotions, bringing curiosity to the conversation, and using reflective communication to correct misunderstandings and assumptions.
The good news is that you have a well-meaning partner who’s thinking about your happiness, even while you’re both grappling with a destructive pattern.
It’s often the case that reactivity that turns into conflict is actually an (unhealthy) expression of sincere care and value for the relationship.
Now that you understand more about the roots of this pattern, you have a better way to express that care by investing your energy into building better communication.
Here’s my wish for you, Jo. May you remember, even in moments of tension, hurt, and conflict, that you and your partner are on the same side. You are two people with strong feelings who care deeply for each other. And you are still learning how to make room for emotion without letting it take over, and how to show up for each other by developing the skills to express care through love, support, and listening.
~Angela
Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.
DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
