He’s a black-and-white thinker. I see the gray. How do we talk?
Karen writes: I want to improve my communication skills. I can't seem to communicate with my husband. I think I need help in fully listening to him and then answering him directly. He likes short, accurate answers: “yes” or “no.” His thinking is black and white and I am more of a gray thinker.
Dear Karen,
It is often the case that our innate communication style isn’t automatically a good fit with our partner’s communication style. As you describe in your question, this mismatch between preferences around communication can be the source of frustration and challenges with communication in a relationship.
The good news is that as a species, we humans are very adaptable.
We are fully capable of learning new skills throughout the lifespan, which means that you and your husband can work together to understand more about how to bridge the gap between his direct, cut-to-the-chase communication style and your indirect, context-rich style of communicating.
There is no one right way of communicating, and communication styles can vary greatly between individuals and also between cultures.
In high-context cultures, much of the meaning of what someone says is not apparent on the surface. It’s in subtle cues, including tone of voice, body language, shared cultural understandings, and most importantly, in what’s left unsaid.
High context communication is indirect and nuanced. And if you don’t understand the context, you won’t really understand the meaning of what’s been said. By contrast, in low-context cultures, most of the meaning is carried within the words themselves. Communication is fairly direct and explicit. There’s far less need to be able to read between the lines in order to figure out what’s being communicated.
The differences between high-context and low-context communication don’t just apply to cultures. They also apply to families and to individuals as well.
Learning how to improve communication in a marriage requires us to be willing to learn how to speak each other’s language.
When your husband is asking you to give him a straight answer, he’s essentially asking you to speak his low-context language. That’s great, as long as there’s an understanding that this can go both ways. In other words, your husband can also work toward developing his skills at deciphering your more nuanced communication.
So, let’s break this down. You write that you need help knowing how to fully listen to your husband. Given that your husband prefers black-and-white, yes-or-no communication, my assumption is that he’s pretty straightforward and says exactly what he means.
If that’s the case, you might be having difficulty listening to him because you’re attuned to listening for what’s left unsaid. In other words, you might be so focused on trying to read between the lines that you miss the meaning that’s actually contained in his words.
For example, let’s say that it’s a Saturday afternoon and you invite your husband out to lunch, because it seems like a good way to spend some quality time together. And he says, “I’m not hungry.”
As a high-context person, one natural response to this is to interpret this as an indication that he’s not interested in spending time together, since you may assume that this meaning was communicated in your question.
Some people, especially those whose emotional safety during childhood depended on reading between the lines of everything that was said, might even think, “Oh no, he’s mad at me. What did I do wrong?”
In this case, a natural response might be to anxiously ask, “What’s wrong?” But to the low-context partner who’s just said that they’re not hungry, such a response can be confusing and even frustrating.
In my experience working with couples in which one partner is high-context and the other is low-context, it’s not uncommon for arguments to start this way, with high-context assumptions about what the other person is saying that are incorrect or about low-context obliviousness to the real meaning of what’s been said.
So, as someone who naturally occupies the grey space of nuance between black and white, how do you give your husband a yes-or-no answer when the more authentic response is almost always it depends?
One of the first things that you can do is give yourself some space to at least listen to yourself, to sort through all the factors that need to be considered before you arrive at a yes or no response to his questions.
You could also try being direct and clear about what factors you are taking into account as you consider his question. For example, if your husband asked you to lunch on a Saturday afternoon and you weren’t hungry, but you suspected he wanted some quality time with you, you might say something like: “Hmm. That’s a good question. I ate a late breakfast, so I’m not particularly hungry. And I had planned to do some gardening this afternoon. But I would like to spend time with you today. Let me think about this for a while, and then I’ll let you know.”
This way, you have a chance to share a window into your thinking and the context that factors into your decision, while also respecting his preference for a clear yes-or-no answer.
You might then come back with something like, “I think I’ll pass on lunch, but I’d love to go to dinner if you want to,” or “Sure, let’s go to lunch. I’ll probably only have a coffee, but it will be nice to go out with you.”
I briefly touched on the influence of trauma or difficult family dynamics during childhood—in which our emotional safety depended on being able to read between the lines of all communication with the family.
While your difficulty communicating with your husband might simply be a matter of different communication styles, it’s also possible that it’s more than that.
Communicating openly, directly, and authentically requires the freedom to say what’s true for us without the fear of being punished (either subtly or not-so-subtly). Feeling comfortable and safe being ourselves depends on knowing that our preferences are given equal weight and respect within our relationship, even when they’re different from our partner’s preferences.
In other words, it’s possible that you may have difficulty giving direct, yes-or-no answers to your husband because you’re apprehensive about how he will react to what you say.
So, for example, if you really don’t want to go to lunch, because you’re not hungry and you already made other plans for the afternoon, you might respond indirectly so as not to upset him.
You might say something like:
“There’s a festival downtown today. Traffic’s going to be a mess.”
“Last time we went to lunch there, they forgot your fries. And you didn’t like your sandwich.”
“I thought you had plans with your sister at 3:00 to help her move.”
“You said last night that you wanted to start eating in more often to save money.”
For many indirect communicators who want to avoid disappointing or upsetting their partner, these kinds of responses seem entirely natural.
But notice that not one of these responses actually answers the question that was asked, which was “Do you want to go to lunch with me?”
In these cases, indirect communication is a self-protective strategy for avoiding conflict or a partner’s difficult feelings.
When you’ve internalized the expectation that it’s your job to take care of others’ feelings or keep others happy, it can feel nearly impossible to say what you actually think or want if you expect that it’s not in line with what someone else wants from you.
If this feels true for you, the first thing to consider is whether this relates to what you learned as you were growing up. Breaking out of the role of people pleaser is challenging. But it’s also essential in order to have authentic relationships with others, where you’re able to show up as yourself.
The second thing to consider is whether this expectation for you to be a people pleaser is shared by your husband.
In other words, are there consequences for you if you express preferences that differ from your husband’s preferences? If he wants to go to lunch and you don’t, what happens? Does he give you the silent treatment for the afternoon or make passive-aggressive comments? Does he find ways to criticize you or pressure you to change your mind? Any of these responses suggest that this is an area of your relationship that needs attention and perhaps some professional help to recalibrate in a healthier direction.
But maybe he doesn’t do any of these things. Maybe he just feels disappointed that you don’t want to have lunch with him. This is an entirely appropriate response, but it might feel really bad when you’ve internalized a belief that it’s your job to make others happy.
People raised to be people pleasers often have a terrible time tolerating others’ disappointment. If you tell your husband no and he’s disappointed, it might feel like you’ve done something wrong—even if he doesn’t see it that way at all.
If you think your difficulty communicating directly with your husband is due to your fear of his responses, and it’s also true that his responses are not designed to punish you for being honest, this seems like a good invitation to start breaking out of that old, outworn role of people pleasing.
Fair warning: this can feel really uncomfortable. Each time you give your husband an answer that isn’t the one you think he wants, it can feel like you are doing something wrong. It can feel like you’re being a bad partner or even a bad person.
Just keep going. It gets easier with practice. With time, you’ll begin to see that your husband’s disappointment—when you want something different than what he wants—is actually okay. You’ll see that he’s a grown man who is fully capable of handling his own disappointment—just like you are.
With time, you’ll develop more confidence in your husband’s ability to manage his own emotions. And you’ll develop more trust that you can speak your mind without being punished for it.
When you sense that your authentic answer is going to be different than your husband’s preference, you can help yourself gain the courage to express yourself by first saying, “Let me think about it for a bit and get back to you.”
This response helps interrupt your impulse to people-please and give whatever response you think your husband wants to hear. When you’ve given yourself a bit of breathing room, you can figure out what you really want and then decide how to share your preference with your husband directly, by saying something like, “Thanks, but that doesn’t fit in with my plans” or “I don’t think that’s going to work for me” or simply “No thanks.”
As a last reminder, if you identify responses by your husband that seem designed to get you to go along with his preferences and against your own, this relationship dynamic needs to be addressed.
This isn’t a communication difficulty. It’s a larger issue in your relationship that will have a lasting impact on trust, connection, and intimacy.
And, on that note, Karen, I am wishing you clarity and confidence to embrace your authentic communication style and your individual preferences within your relationship.
~ Angela
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DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
