The Real Reason Happy Couples Start Arguing
There’s a point in many relationships when partners begin to notice their differences more clearly. This can be confusing and even alarming, especially if the relationship once felt easy and harmonious. Arguments may start to surface where there were none before, and partners may begin to wonder whether they’re truly compatible after all. This stage can feel like the beginning of the end—but it isn’t. In fact, it often signals an important turning point in the life of a relationship.
Ben wrote to me with a question that captures this moment exactly:
“My partner and I have been together for two years. For most of that time, everything was great, and we hardly ever fought about anything. Recently, though, it seems like we’re just on edge with each other and little things can suddenly spark into a disagreement. I hate fighting and so does my partner. But that doesn’t seem to stop us anymore. I used to think that we had so much in common and that’s what made us great together. But more and more, I’m realizing we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. This is where the trouble usually starts. I love her but … I don’t know if we’re as compatible as I thought we were. There’s no dealbreaker issue, just a lot of little things that are starting to get to me (and probably to her too). Is there such a thing as a couple being too different to be happy together? Or could this be a case of opposites attract? How do we stop arguing over every little thing? I’m truly sick of it and she is too.”
Dear Ben,
I want to begin by saying that I’m having a bit of an inner conflict about how to start my response to your question. Part of me genuinely wants to celebrate this new development in your relationship. Another part of me wants to say, Ugh. Conflict. I hate it. I really do hate conflict in my own relationships. And in that way, conflict is a bit like the bad-tasting medicine my parents used to make me take when I was sick. It’s unpleasant—but it’s also good for you. Or, more accurately, it can be good for your relationship.
That’s not to say that conflict is always good, or that any kind of conflict is good for a relationship. There’s a big difference between constructive conflict and destructive conflict.
Constructive conflict can bring a couple closer together. Destructive conflict, over time, breaks a relationship down by creating hurts that can’t be repaired simply by apologizing and making up after an argument.
Before we get into how to navigate conflict in your relationship, I want to take a step back and talk about where you and your girlfriend are right now.
I want to help you locate your current position on my map of intimate relationships, so you can understand how you’ve found yourself here—and how to move from where you are to where you want to be.
You’ve been together for two years, and during that time it sounds like things have been good. You’ve gotten along well, rarely fought, and generally seen eye to eye, with a lot in common. That’s wonderful. Of course, if you were still fully in that phase, you probably wouldn’t have written to me at all. You might even be thinking, We don’t need relationship advice. We’ve got this whole relationship thing figured out.
On the map of intimate relationships, where you’ve been is what I call the Enchantment Stage.
You may have heard it referred to as the honeymoon phase. It’s often said that this phase lasts somewhere between six months and two years, though the timing can vary from couple to couple. What’s much more certain is that the Enchantment Stage is temporary. It will come to an end.
One of the most common markers of this transition into the next stage is that partners begin to notice, more and more, the ways in which they are different. In the throes of new love, it’s thrilling to discover all the ways your partner is like you. Even small similarities—like a shared love of Radiohead or tacos—can feel magical and make a relationship seem destined.
Eventually, though, we begin to realize that just as we share many similarities with our partner, there are also many ways—perhaps just as many—in which we are different. She loves horror movies; you hate them. She wants to spend Friday nights in the middle of the action, while you’d rather stay home with a book. Or, to raise the stakes, she spends money freely while you prefer to save for a rainy day. Or she sees current political situations very differently than you do.
Suddenly, you no longer feel like two peas in a pod. At times, it can feel more like you’re two people speaking different languages on entirely different planets. What’s happening here is that you’ve traveled across the relationship map from the territory of Enchantment into Disenchantment.
I know that hearing your relationship has entered the Disenchantment Stage may sound like bad news. But it isn’t. I promise. In fact, it’s often a good sign, because it means your relationship is growing—like a tree stretching its branches.
The arguments and conflicts that are appearing now are invitations to deepen your relationship.
For a tree to support its expanding branches, it has to grow deeper roots. Without those roots, it can’t nourish new growth—and it’s far more likely to be blown over by the first storm that comes its way.
So how do you grow deeper roots in an intimate relationship? One of the most important ways is by acknowledging—and eventually embracing—the ways you and your partner are different.
For many people, this requires both a mindset shift and practice. It means developing the skills to talk about the individual differences that contribute to conflict in your relationship. I want to start with the mindset shift first, and then move into how to engage in constructive conflict.
To do that, we need to briefly return to the experience of the Enchantment Stage. During this stage, everything you share in common with your partner—no matter how small—has the power to delight you, because it feels like confirmation that you belong together.
Even though this stage is temporary, it’s deeply important. This is when you get to know each other and fall in love, and when you form the bond that will help sustain you through challenges later on. In the Enchantment Stage, closeness and intimacy are built on similarity.
Discovering shared traits feels good because it’s how connection is first established. So it’s natural to begin associating closeness with being the same. The trouble comes later, when that assumption collides with the reality of difference.
That collision marks the move from Enchantment into Disenchantment. In this stage, you can no longer rely on similarity to create closeness and intimacy. It’s normal to start feeling more distant from your partner—and even more normal for that distance to feel uncomfortable.
With or without overt conflict, many people begin to wonder whether they’re simply too different to be compatible. The good news is that sameness is not the only—or even the primary—source of closeness in a long-term relationship. Many couples who have navigated the Disenchantment Stage learn how to create intimacy while holding significant differences. When couples successfully make this transition, they move into what I call the Evolution Stage, where differences add energy and depth, creating a vibrant and resilient partnership.
Once you understand that differences alone don’t determine incompatibility, the question becomes how to find closeness, connection, and intimacy while making room for those differences.
One crucial shift is moving from arguing over your differences to talking about them—and learning how to work with them. Many couples get stuck here and take a wrong turn, slipping into battles over who is right or whose way is better.
At the root of this pattern is fear: the fear that differences mean one person is right and the other is wrong; that difference equals incompatibility; or that closeness requires sameness. When these beliefs are operating beneath the surface, differences can start to feel like a threat to the relationship itself.
Thankfully, none of these beliefs is true. You can avoid taking this wrong turn by learning how to talk constructively about your differences. The first step is to notice where things are going wrong in your communication—where a conversation about differences starts to slide into an unproductive argument.
You can begin by reflecting on where you might be taking a wrong turn that leads to battling over your individual differences. You might ask yourself whether you and your girlfriend are slipping into black-and-white thinking, where one perspective is right and the other is wrong. Or whether there’s a belief operating beneath the surface that closeness requires sameness, making differences feel threatening to the relationship.
Gaining insight into the deeper sources of conflict will help you know where to focus as you learn how to have more constructive conversations.
If you’d like more guidance on engaging in conflict constructively, I recommend this relationship advice column, which explores how to listen effectively during difficult conversations, and this one on how to stay engaged with conflict—even when you don’t like it.
Constructive conversations about differences almost always require a spirit of curiosity. Curiosity allows you to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner as two distinct individuals. Over time, these conversations can become a way of using your differences to strengthen your connection.
Apart from true dealbreaker issues, differences don’t signal a lack of compatibility. They’re inevitable when two individuals come together, and they can become a source of fertility for the future growth of a relationship.
As you move into this next stage of your relationship, what matters most isn’t finding the perfect way to handle your differences, but developing a shared practice of curiosity. Curiosity helps you stay engaged with one another even when things feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
There’s no foolproof method here. But again and again, it’s the willingness to try, to repair, and to keep turning toward each other that slowly builds the trust and stability a relationship needs as it grows.
Here’s my wish for you, Ben, as you enter this next stage of your journey together: May you discover rich new sources of intimacy and connection through engaging in honest conversations—and even conflict—around your individual differences.
~Angela
Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.
DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
