Finding Financial Harmony: How to Talk About Money with Your Partner
There are moments in relationships when we know something needs to be talked about—but we don’t know how to begin. The words feel loaded, the stakes feel high, and even imagining the conversation can bring up anxiety or dread. This is especially true when the topic touches on money, a subject that often carries far more weight than it appears to on the surface.
Ramón wrote to me with a question that captures this tension:
“I grew up in a family where there was very little discussion about hot-button issues. Sex, money, religion, you name it—it just wasn’t talked about. As an adult, I understand that my parents had no clue how to talk about things. Even now, they’re both very conflict-avoidant. None of that helps me in my own marriage, where my husband and I have completely different ways of dealing with money. He doesn’t ever worry about money. He spends and I stress. I’ve noticed that the more he spends, the more anxious I get about how we’re going to meet our financial obligations every month. It doesn’t help that I’m an artist and he’s a financial advisor, so he makes a lot more money than I do. I don’t feel like I can splurge on big vacations every time he feels like getting away, but I don’t want to tell him no either. So I end up feeling even more stressed. I have no idea how to talk to him about this. Every time I think about saying something, I freeze. I know I need to figure this out, but I have no clue where to start.”
Dear Ramón,
Navigating difficult conversations skillfully takes a lot of practice. This is as true for money conversations as it is for other topics that can be sensitive, emotional, or connected to family ideas about how things are supposed to be done.
Money is consistently named as one of the top five sources of conflict for couples. And yet, like sex (another topic in the top five), conflicts about money aren’t just about money. Money is closely tied to deeper values like freedom, safety, autonomy, fairness, responsibility, and trust.
At the societal level, money is often considered to be something you don’t talk about in polite company, which can make learning how to talk about it tricky, even within the context of an intimate relationship. Add to this that many people have internalized money as a symbol of worth and value, so that how much money we have can feel like a reflection of our value. When there’s a significant income disparity within a couple, this can lead to discomfort, shame, and embarrassment.
With all of that said, avoiding conversations about money is, of course, a recipe for relational disaster. At the same time, how we talk about money really matters.
The reality is that there’s no one right way to approach money, and each of us has our own unique money style. Many money experts promote their own personal approach as the one right way to do money, which doesn’t help couples who are trying to navigate the reality of two different—and equally valid—ways of making money decisions.
Even apart from income disparity in your relationship, it’s also possible (and likely) that you and your husband simply have different money styles.
So now that we’ve established the need to acknowledge partners’ different money styles, I want to turn to the larger issue of what you learned growing up about addressing difficult topics—and how that’s affecting you now. You write that your parents avoided (and still avoid) talking about hot-button issues, including money.
This means that you didn’t have the opportunity to learn how to have these kinds of conversations when you were growing up. It also means that you may have internalized an association between fear and certain emotionally charged topics. You may freeze when you think about talking about money because this kind of conversation feels forbidden. It can also feel like wading into very dangerous territory.
After all, when you’ve never witnessed a couple work through a difficult conversation about money, how that’s done remains a complete unknown.
So, even though you consciously know that talking about money is important, violating an internalized rule from childhood can make it feel like you’re doing something wrong. And when you don’t know how to do it, freezing up when you think about opening the conversation makes sense.
But not talking about it isn’t going to work.
Right now, you’re experiencing something that’s very common when partners avoid addressing sources of underlying tension or difference. As your husband spends money freely, you’re becoming more and more stressed about finances.
In other words, your feelings about money in your relationship are intensifying, even though they aren’t being expressed openly.
It may even be that the more your husband spends, the less able you feel to spend money yourself, because you feel responsible for compensating for his spending. Trying to create financial balance by restricting your own spending is likely to lead to resentment over time—especially if it begins to feel like you’re the only one carrying the burden of financial stress.
When this happens, the lack of conversation around money starts to create a wedge in the relationship, where you and your husband are slowly growing apart even though the issue itself hasn’t been directly addressed.
Often, when pressure, stress, and resentment build up, they end up being released in unexpected ways. Let’s imagine that one day your husband buys yet another $10 flat white at your neighborhood café, and all of your financial stress suddenly spills out. Maybe it comes out as a critical remark or a flash of frustration. Or maybe you say something that provides just enough spark to ignite an explosive argument—one that shakes the foundations of your marriage.
The reality is that conflict avoidance is very hard to sustain over time, because unaddressed feelings are always looking for a way out.
Unfortunately, when a couple’s approach to conflict swings between avoidance and destructive hostility, it only reinforces the belief—especially for avoidant partners—that conflict is dangerous and should be avoided whenever possible.
So, given that you don’t want to continue avoiding the money conversation, and I’m sure you also don’t want to end up in a destructive conflict, what can you do instead?
To address your tendency to freeze, the first step is to get clarity for yourself about what you actually want to say.
When you have no experience with difficult conversations, it’s unrealistic—and often paralyzing—to expect that the right words will simply appear in the moment. They won’t, especially when you’ve internalized a family rule that difficult topics like money shouldn’t be talked about.
You’re going to need time and space to think through what you want to communicate to your husband: about money, about this dynamic in your relationship, and about the growing financial stress you’re experiencing.
Instead of expecting yourself to be able to have these kinds of conversations spontaneously, start by gaining insight into your pattern of conflict avoidance around money. Ask yourself questions like, “What did I learn about money growing up?” and “What am I afraid might happen if I address money directly with my partner?”
Gaining clarity about these fears—both related to conflict in your relationship and specifically about money—will help prepare you for the conversation.
When you understand what those underlying fears are, you can also begin to think about what might help you feel safer as you start working on this with your husband.
Next, it’s important to get clear about what you’re hoping to communicate once you do bring this up. You might ask yourself questions such as, “What do I want my partner to understand about my experience with money in our relationship?” “What are my concerns about money?” And “Moving forward, what do I need around money in our relationship?”
When I’m working with someone who has a long history of conflict avoidance and a tendency to freeze during hard conversations, I almost always encourage them to write down exactly what they want to communicate.
One of the experiences that often accompanies feeling frozen is having the mind go blank. You may feel very clear about what you want to say ahead of time, but once you’re face-to-face with your partner, it’s easy to lose track of those intentions—either because everything you planned to say disappears, or because the conversation veers in a completely different direction.
Think of this as preparing for a speech, and write down your main talking points. While it may feel awkward to reference what you’ve written during the conversation, afterward you’ll likely feel relief knowing that you were able to express most of what had been weighing on you about money.
Lastly, it’s important to approach this as an ongoing series of conversations about money. This isn’t a one-and-done money talk. Instead, you’re opening the door to this topic by signaling to your partner that there’s an issue here that needs attention.
This also means not approaching the conversation with the intention of solving the problem right away. Premature attempts to resolve deep-seated relationship issues often backfire, because the couple hasn’t yet spent enough time gaining clarity about what’s actually going on.
I’m adding this caution because conflict-avoidant couples often want to jump straight to problem-solving as a way of avoiding the messy middle—talking about difficult feelings and slowly clarifying the nature of the issue.
Over time, these money conversations can become an opportunity to learn how to engage in difficult conversations productively, building skills that will matter when other challenges inevitably arise in your relationship.
My wish for you, Ramón, is that once you begin having the hard conversations you’ve been avoiding, you discover an untapped capacity for navigating challenges with greater skill and confidence—and that you also come to see that your marriage is sturdier and more resilient than you may have imagined.
~Angela
Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.
DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
