How do I say I’m not ready to live together?
Rob asks: ““How do I deal with my own trauma when my partner also has conflicting trauma? My girlfriend of almost a year wants to move in as she believes that it will deepen our relationship. My last partner died unexpectedly and I have just started to enjoy my life as a single person. How do I explain that I don't want to move in without upsetting her expectations? How do I positively explain trauma to someone else when I don't really want to talk about it?”
Dear Rob,
In my experience, it seems like most of us end up being drawn to a partner who has conflicting trauma. How this happens is a mystery to me, because it’s not like we know when we’re starting a relationship and falling in love that our new partner’s trauma is eventually going to interact with our own in troublesome way. We just feel a spark and then a connection … and by the time we realize there’s an issue … well, we’re already in it.
At this point in my life, having experienced this myself and also having traveled this road with hundreds of individuals and couples, I no longer think the dynamic you’re describing is accidental or bad luck. I think it’s an invitation to healing—healing the old hurts we’ve been carrying around, often for a long time.
In other words, what would change for you if you looked at your partner’s trauma … and how it conflicts with yours … as though it’s exactly the medicine you need in order to heal?
What would happen if every time her trauma triggered yours, you greeted whatever is coming up in you (and in her) as something to be welcomed with the intention of healing and letting it go? I know I’m making this sound simple. It’s not. But it is possible.
For the second part of your question, I want to begin by saying that I’m deeply sorry for your loss. The fact that you have moved through your shock and grief to the point at which you are enjoying your life as a single person is a testament to your resilience. And at the same time, I can understand your reluctance to share with your girlfriend that you’re not where she’s at—you’re not ready to move in together.
If your question is “How do I explain this to her,” I would say you could explain it just as you did in this question. I hope that your girlfriend would care about what feels good to you in your relationship. That’s important!
When you ask, “How do I explain this to her without upsetting her expectations,” I don’t think there's a way to say it that magically takes away her feelings about it. She wants to move in with you. It’s natural that she would be disappointed and sad that this isn’t something that you want too, at least right now.
An important part of intimate relationships is learning how to tolerate our own disappointment when our partner wants something different than we want. And another important part of intimate relationships is learning how to tolerate our partner’s disappointment.
Understanding that hard feelings, including sadness, disappointment, and anger, are a part of healthy relationships does make it easier to cope with times when hard feelings arise. My encouragement to you is to be honest with your girlfriend and then to see if you can be present with her feelings as they come up in response.
Remember that you haven’t done anything wrong to cause her to feel disappointed. And also remember that she hasn’t done anything wrong to feel disappointed! Even if you aren’t moving in together, you can still move through this experience together in ways that can help each of you grow individually and also in your relationship.
Your last question is a bit trickier to answer. You ask, “How do I positively explain trauma to someone else when I don't really want to talk about it?”
In some ways, how you explain it depends on who you’re talking with. If you’re talking with a co-worker, for example, and you really don’t want to go into it, you can just say something like, “I’ve been through some hard things in my life. It’s really not something I like to get into in detail.” And then you can change the subject to talk about something else. Most people will respect these kinds of boundaries.
If it’s a more intimate relationship, this becomes trickier because your past trauma is inevitably going to come up in your relationship.
This means that having a healthy, happy relationship requires being able to talk about hard things from your past.
That doesn’t mean that you need to talk about it at the drop of a hat. But it does mean that you’ll need to set aside time to think about what it is that you want to share about your past. In that way, talking about past trauma can become an experience that deepens trust and intimacy in your relationship.
Another thing to consider here is that trauma will always come out in a long-term romantic relationship somehow. It’s far better if it can be thoughtfully processed rather than being expressed through behaviors like shutting down, withdrawing, or explosive arguments that end with both people feeling hurt and misunderstood.
When difficult conversations are approached directly, couples often feel like they’ve grown closer as a result, even if the outcome of a particular decision—like moving in together—doesn’t go the way they wish it would have.
And on that note, I’m wishing you the very best as you navigate your relationship and your healing.
~Angela
about angela Amias, LCSW
Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships.
As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun.
Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.
DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.
