Conflict in Relationships: Why It's Important and How to Do It Well
Episode 3
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE
“Want a Happier Marriage? Look For Opportunities to Fight. Seriously.” in Fatherly
Date Night Movie of the Month is a playful way to practice having low-stakes conflict in relationships.
Interesting facts about ending up in life in the ocean Doldrums.
If you think about setting sail across the ocean, what’s the biggest danger you can imagine? Stormy seas? Crashing waves? Ending up in the eye of a hurricane? Being blown off course?
Strangely, one of the biggest risks that faced sailing ships crossing the Atlantic Ocean was ending up in the doldrums, a zone near the equator where the sea is so calm and the winds are so still that ships could end up drifting helplessly for days or even weeks, while their supplies of food and water rapidly dwindled.
It’s not just sailing ships that can end up caught in the doldrums. Relationships experience the doldrums too. While most of us associate high levels of conflict with relationships that are ‘on the rocks’, in our experience, an equal number of people leaving their relationships tell us … usually in a very perplexed tone of voice … “We never fought.”
“We never fought” is the description of a relationship that has drifted unknowingly into the doldrums. The seas of the relationship are calm. Nobody’s making waves. On the surface, everything looks good. But below the surface, danger lurks as the relationship drifts along without direction, not actually going anywhere.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship that’s gotten stuck in the doldrums, then you know how hard it can be to put your finger on what’s wrong.
Here are some descriptions we’ve heard from couples and individuals that have ended up in the doldrums:
**We hardly ever talk about anything of substance.
**I feel like I have nothing to say to them any more.
**It seems like we don’t have anything in common.
**We’re stuck in a rut.
**We’ve drifted apart.
**We’ve lost our spark.
**I’m not sure there’s anything left.
One of the most interesting discoveries I (Angela) have made as a relationship therapist is just how many of us are terrified of rocking the boat and making waves in our relationships. Keeping the peace, keeping things calm in the relationship, seems, on the face of it, the best way to ensure a relationship’s success. But, in reality, suppressing tension and potential conflict and prioritizing keeping the peace in a relationship at the expense of having open, honest conversations about difficult topics is a one way ticket straight into the relationship doldrums.
So what’s the alternative to avoiding conflict?
It’s learning how to recognize when you’re drifting toward the doldrums and how to make waves and rock the boat in order to get your relationship back on track … or make sure it stays on course from the start. Before we go any further, we should probably define what we mean by rocking the boat. We’re talking about making the choice to address an issue directly in your relationship, to talk about something that has the potential to unsettle things, or unbalance the relationship in some way. It can something as small as sharing that you actually don’t get your partner’s love of Radiohead or something much bigger, like sharing that you’re wanting to shift things up with your sexual relationship. In either case, it’s starting a conversation that feels like taking a risk—or a step into the unknown.
So let’s talk about why we avoid rocking the boat in relationships. We can sum up the reason in one word and that word is: fear.
Unpacking the fear of rocking the boat will help us see what it’s all about. First of all, when it comes to not wanting to make waves in a relationship, there’s almost always a fear of conflict. We don’t see rocking the boat as synonymous with conflict in relationships, but having open discussions about sensitive topics, or topics where you don’t see eye to eye with each other, usually carries with it the likelihood of discomfort and at least the possibility of conflict or disagreement.
The fear of conflict usually stems from a few different sources. If you grew up in a home where there was never any open communication about difficult topics or any discussion of different perspectives on issues, you can grow up to feel anxious whenever tension and the potential for conflict starts to arise in your relationships. On the flip side, growing up in a home where there was a lot of conflict … especially unpredictable, volatile conflict, can also make any conflict feel like it could erupt into something out of control and scary. There’s also the fear of what might happen if you talk about a sensitive issue directly. It might be that you’ve avoided bringing up a particular topic because you’re not sure where your partner stands on the issue and you’re not sure you want to know. You might be in the position of wondering if this is a place where ignorance is bliss. Or you might not be ready to face the implications of talking about a topic and discovering that you and your partner are nowhere close to being on the same page.
Many years ago, I (Angela) worked with a woman who found herself in this situation in her relationship. I’ll call her Anne, which isn’t her real name, of course and I’ve changed some details in this story to protect everyone’s privacy. Anne desperately wanted to have a child and she was approaching the end of her childbearing years. Anne and her wife Melissa had a daughter who was just starting kindergarten. They’d experienced a rough patch when their daughter was born, when Melissa had developed postpartum depression. Anne had casually floated the idea of having a second child a few times over the last few years, but each time she brought it up, Melissa didn’t want to talk about it.
So Anne had stopped bringing it up for a while, until the pressure of her waning fertility made her realize that she needed to figure out how to talk about it, which is why she came to see me. Part of the issue was that it never seemed to be the right time to have the conversation. Melissa was stressed at work and grumpy when she got home. Anne told me she was worried about bringing it up at the wrong time, when she’d be less likely to get a positive response from Melissa. They were also starting to have more minor arguments about little things, which Anne suspected had to do with her frustration about the impasse they’d found themselves at.
But as we talked more, Anne realized that it wasn’t just Melissa who was avoiding talking about whether or not to have a second child. She was also avoiding it, because she didn’t know how she would cope if Melissa told her she didn’t want to have another child. At the same time, their increasing tension and inability to relax in each other’s company made Anne realize she really needed to figure out how to talk about this with Melissa.
So there’s the fear of the unknown. What will happen if I bring this up? Will it turn into a fight? Will I know what I want to say? Will things spiral out of control? Or will I learn something from my partner that I really don’t want to know?
Another reason why we sometimes avoid rocking the boat in relationships is because we — and our partners — aren’t fully comfortable with individual differences within the relationship. As we mentioned in Episode 1, during the honeymoon phase, we tend to focus on our similarities. As we emerge from the honeymoon phase, and become more aware of ways in which we’re not similar to our partner, it can sometimes feel very uncomfortable. Individual differences are a source of tension that every relationship must navigate in order to flourish… but that doesn’t make it easy.
In every relationship we have, we’re always juggling two fundamental needs: the need for authenticity—to be ourselves—and the need to feel a sense of belonging.
Sometimes, it can feel like differences threaten that sense of belonging. Our society doesn’t do a great job of welcoming and honoring differences. If we look around in society, we see how often people feel threatened, and scared of (or even hostile toward) those who are different. At best, we’re encouraged to be tolerant of differences. But we’re rarely encouraged to truly celebrate difference as a positive thing. Instead, we see difference through the lens of black-and-white, right-and-wrong, even in intimate relationships.
This means that when we encounter those inevitable differences between ourselves and a partner, our mind often goes immediately into the mode of evaluating different preferences, desires, or perspectives … trying to determine which is right and which is wrong. Of course, this way of approaching differences is almost guaranteed to lead to some kind of conflict, either an internal conflict (if we’re debating within ourselves which is right and which is wrong) or conflict with a partner. And if we lean toward being conflict-avoidant, even the acknowledgement of differences feels like opening the door to the dangers of conflict.
A third reason why we avoid rocking the boat in relationships has to do with our beliefs about what conflict means about a relationship. For many people, conflict and disagreements mean that something is going wrong in the relationship. Conflict feels bad and so we interpret it as a sign that there’s something bad happening.
When we don’t have the kinds of conversations that can make waves in our relationship, we don’t have the opportunity to practice the communication skills that help us navigate sensitive conversations and then we miss the chance to develop confidence in our ability to have difficult conversations … and we also miss the chance to learn that conflict actually has the potential to be good for a relationship, to increase intimacy and connection.
When these kinds of conversations are way outside your comfort zone, it’s easy to feel like it’s never the right time to bring up a difficult topic. We’ve worked with so many clients who’ve gotten stuck waiting for just the right moment to bring up an important topic, only to find that that moment never comes. Things have been tense in the relationship and that doesn’t seem like a good time … and then things are better, but why mess with a good thing? We’ve learned that there’s never going to be a perfect time to start a hard conversation, because your own discomfort or anxiety is going to point out all the reasons why another time, at some point in the future, is going to be a way better time to talk than right now.
So now that we know a little more about why we avoid rocking the boat, let’s talk about the consequences this avoidance has for relationships.
First of all, let’s just say that some amount of conflict in a long term relationship is inevitable, so avoiding conflict is always a short-term solution that prioritizes short-term comfort over the long-term health of the relationship. The problems we ignore don’t go away and in fact, they usually get worse when we don’t address them. At some level, we know that, right?
The tricky thing about short term solutions is that they’re very seductive because they give immediate relief to the tension. So if, for example, we try to distract ourselves from an issue by binge watching a show, we’ll feel some relief as long as we’re distracted, which makes it a really tempting response to just try to ignore a situation.
And, when you add to this the fact that it can take quite a while for the consequences of not addressing a situation to really become apparent, it can hard to recognize how the relationship is being harmed by not talking about things that might make waves.
The reality is that we can’t selectively avoid certain topics in our relationship without diminishing the overall quality of conversation, communication, and connection. The way We explain this to couples who’ve lost their connection, who are trying to figure out whether to stay together or go their separate ways, is by explaining how intimacy relies on a stream of communication that flows freely.
What blocks up that stream is anything we’re not talking about in our relationship. Each time we decide not to talk about something with a partner, because it’s uncomfortable, they might get upset, we might get upset, or we don’t know where the conversation might go, it’s like placing a stone in the middle of the stream. That stone blocks some of the flow of conversation. The first time you make that choice, you’re most likely not going to notice any immediate impact to the relationship. It’s something that happens over time, as you continue to avoid any topics that might lead to the big topic you’re not talking about. The unspoken issues start to pile up and like stones in a stream, they collect more and more debris, until eventually, there’s barely a trickle of communication flowing in the relationship.
And what’s left tends to be very superficial … the least threatening topics imaginable: how was your day? What would you like to have for dinner? What do you want to do this weekend? So much has been left unsaid, that it can feel like you have nothing to talk about anymore. In truth, you have a lot you could talk about, but it’s going to require removing the stones from the stream and unblocking the flow of communication by talking about what’s been left unsaid for so long.
When I (Angela) ask couples who feel like they don’t know how to talk to each other anymore to see if they can pinpoint when this issue first started, they can almost always tell me exactly when it began and they almost always know exactly what issue they weren’t talking about. What’s interesting to me is that when couples gather the courage to talk about how they have nothing to talk about, this actually ends up being the most intimate conversation they’ve had in a long time. And even though it’s scary to admit that you don’t feel close to a partner any more, saying it aloud and talking about it openly often ends up helping partners feel closer to each other than they have in years.
When your priority in your interactions with a partner is to keep things calm and pleasant, you run the risk of ending up in the relationship doldrums, because you’re actually suppressing the currents … the movement, the motion, the energy … that would move the relationship forward.
The honeymoon period is often a time of smooth sailing in a relationship. Transitioning into a more mature version of the relationship will probably involve some stormier seas. We’ll talk about this more in episode 7, which is about advice for the hard times in relationships.
You can’t navigate this transition by trying not to rock the boat because you’ll just end up in the doldrums, where there are no waves, but there’s also no forward direction for the relationship. It’s just floating, drifting, and losing some vitality and energy as time goes on. Suppressing potential sources of conflict in an attempt to not make waves takes so much energy and attention, it actually leaves less energy that could go toward connecting and helping the relationship thrive.
The other outcome that we see often with couples is that as tension builds up around whatever issue is not being talked about, that tension starts to get discharged in skirmishes that aren’t about the real issue. Since these arguments aren’t about the real issue, they never get resolved and tend to keep popping up.
Sometimes these arguments are called “safe fights” because they’re predictable and feel controllable, and they keep you away from the real issue.
For example, let’s say a couple —we’ll call them Antonio and Daphne — is always fighting about how Daphne is late coming home from work. Antonio makes dinner but as Daphne is routinely twenty minutes late arriving home, dinner is cold and Antonio is annoyed and frustrated. They fight and fight and finally Daphne agrees to make an effort to leave work on time. And she does. But soon they’re fighting about how often she’s on her phone in the evening. In reality, both of these fights would be examples of safe fights that are not about the real issue, which is that Antonio is worried that Daphne is losing interest in him and in the relationship.
So what are the benefits of rocking the boat … of having real talks about difficult topics? The first benefit is greater intimacy.
How does this happen? Well, intimacy is founded upon mutual understanding — you understand your partner and they understand you. You know what matters to them, how they think and how they feel ... and they know these things about you too. What’s interesting is that often times, we only get clear about how we think and feel about a particular issue as we talk through it with a partner. And when we don’t talk about things, we often draw conclusions about what the other person is thinking or feeling that are entirely off base.
For example, Antonio might only realize that he’s feeling insecure about Daphne’s commitment to the relationship once they start talking and he’s able to get to the heart of his worry. On the other hand, without talking, Daphne might have the mistaken impression that Antonio’s displeasure with her lateness and her tendency to zone out with her phone is evidence that he’s becoming just like his controlling father. In other words, Daphne would have completely missed the real issue. And if they were talking to their friends about their relationship issues, instead of talking to each other, their misconceptions about where the other person is coming from probably would get even worse.
Here’s the thing: wading into the waters of a difficult conversation with a partner can really benefit your relationship when you’re able to approach it as a mutual exploration.
You don’t have to know exactly what’s wrong before you start talking about it. Approaching the conversation with the intention of exploring a relationship issue together helps you move into tricky territory feeling like you’re collaborating on a problem, rather than pointing fingers at each other.
These kinds of conversations are also an opportunity to develop a more intimate understanding of your partner as you hear their perspective, their worries or fears, their concerns, and their values. When you’re able to talk through difficult issues in the spirit of working through things together, then you know that you’re both invested in nurturing your relationship.
Another benefit is that every time you have a hard conversation, you’re developing the skills for having hard conversations. It’s practice. Conflict, tension, disagreements, not being on the same page about important topics … these are all inevitable parts of a long-term relationship. Practicing these conversations may not make perfect, but it will make you a lot more skilled at wading into the murky waters of difficult conversations.
And of course, as you rock the boat, you’re steering clear of the dreaded relationship doldrums.
Difficult conversations are all about getting clarity. Clarity is essential for being able to navigate your relationship in the direction you and your partner want to go. They’re also a way of clearing the air, sweeping out unspoken sources of tension from your relationship, so that it’s easier to feel close … because there are no unacknowledged issues sitting between the two of you, creating distance. When you’re not trying to suppress topics that might lead to conflict, you’re naturally more relaxed. And when you’re relaxed, it’s easier to be lighthearted with each other, to be playful and to just enjoy your time together.
Here are some clues that you might need to rock the boat or start making some waves in your relationship.
The first clue is if you feel like you’ve drifted away from each other, that there’s not much to talk about, or if you recognize our description of the relationship doldrums, where nothing changes and there’s a lack of vitality in the relationship. The second clue is if you seem to be having a lot of little skirmishes in your relationship, or if you’re feeling more irritable with your partner. Maybe small things that didn’t bother you in the past now grate on your nerves. Or if your partner seems more irritable with you or more critical over small things, this also might be a sign that something needs to be talked about.
So how do you rock the boat in a relationship? Our first piece of advice is to start small. Look for opportunities to have low-stakes disagreements about topics that are of little consequence for your relationship. Practice expressing differing opinions on a topic, if that’s not something you usually do. We’ve written an article on how to have low-stakes disagreements for Fatherly—it’s linked at the top of the page. You can also check out our Date Night Movie of the Month program, which provides a movie to enjoy, followed by a series of questions designed to offer useful opportunities for low-stakes disagreement.
If you have a topic that you’d like to talk over with a partner, you can start by inviting them to help find a time for a conversation. You’ll want at least 15 minutes when neither of you has anything immediate on the horizon. That way, no one’s about the walk out the door or hop on a work zoom or get your kiddo to a dentist appointment. Unless your life is super busy, you should be able to find a time like this in the next day or two. The invitation can sound something like this, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. Could we find a time to sit down and talk?”
Now, full disclosure, a lot of us when we hear something like that are just going to want to know right then what the issue is. If you suspect your partner would react like this, saying something like, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. Is now a good time to talk … or should we make a plan to talk later?” This allows them the option to have the talk now if that feels more comfortable than waiting until a later time.
We also recommend approaching any hard conversation — meaning anything you’ve been avoiding talking about — as a series of conversations, rather than a one-time talk.
Our tendency when we’re uncomfortable with something is to either avoid it, or procrastinate and put it off … or try to get it over with as quickly as possible. If you have the expectation that you’ll be able to work through a difficult topic in a single conversation, you’re probably setting yourself up to feel like you’ve failed if you’re not able to come to a resolution in that first attempt.
A more manageable goal for a first conversation is to just start the process by getting the lay of the land. Instead of attempting to figure it all out at once, you’re just learning more about what’s going on rather than trying to find solutions. We’ll be talking more about this topic in next week’s episode which is all about why we’re NOT fans of compromise as a way to resolve issues in relationships.
For now, you might also consider planning a monthly time with a partner to do a deep check-in with each other. This can be especially valuable when you’ve had a pattern of conflict avoidance in the relationship … or when there’s been a lot of minor conflicts that have been masking a more important issue that needs to be addressed.
Rather than thinking of this as a time to air grievances, approach it as a chance to look below the surface of the relationship, connect with each other, share what’s going on in your world and learn more about your partner’s inner world as well.
We’ll be talking more about this next week, when we explore the downsides to compromise and alternatives to resolving difficult issues in relationships.
Until then … scroll down to subscribe to our podcast and check out our resources at the top of the page.
What’s your relationship archetype?
About angela Amias & Daniel Boscaljon
We’re the creators of the Five Relationship Archetypes and the hosts of the Alchemy of Connection. It’s been known for a long time that painful childhood experiences, including trauma, affect adults at many levels, from physical and mental health to emotional well-being to relationships. While the impact of early trauma on adult relationships is frequently noted by trauma experts, there’s been very little in terms of practical, useful advice or programs that adults with childhood trauma can use to improve their own relationships.
Our programs are designed to fill that gap—to help you understand how your own past experiences influence your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others.
Healthy relationships are an essential part of living a good life and yet, many of us (perhaps even most of us) have core wounds from childhood experiences that affect our ability to have the kinds of intimate relationships in adulthood that we long to have.
