Maggie asks: “How do I balance hobbies that bring me joy and disappoint my partner at the same time? I am a burlesque dancer and my husband is nominally supportive, but winces in disgust and makes a “eugh” noise any time the topic is broached, even when it’s clear that I’m very excited for what I’m telling him about. He says he will never like or understand it, but doesn’t want to be the reason I quit and would like me to continue doing it as long as it makes me happy. I’ve been performing since before we began dating, and I asked him point blank in the talking process if it would cause any future issues, to which he said of course not. HELP!! His disgusted reactions shut me down and make me feel like he would be so much happier if I weren’t doing this. This is the singular source of conflict in an otherwise picture-perfect marriage. Please help me understand how to proceed with my art without feeling like I’m betraying my husband.”

Dear Maggie,

I love your question for so many reasons—partly because I always appreciate hearing from people who can say that their marriage is almost picture-perfect and partly because I’m an artist too—but mainly because it gives me an opportunity to talk about how to navigate differences in relationships.

Let’s start with the very last part of your question. You want to know how to proceed with your art without feeling like you’re betraying your husband. Can we talk about betrayal for a moment?

Relationship betrayal is a big deal.

Very few of us would want to imagine ourselves capable of betraying someone we love deeply. Betrayal has associations with treachery, breaches of faith and trust, stabbing someone in the back. In The Inferno, Dante consigned betrayers to the lowest circle of hell. So when you use this word, I hear just how much this situation is weighing on you.

And yet …

You also say you’ve been performing as a burlesque dancer since before you even started dating your husband. And, when you shared this part of your life with him in the beginning, he assured you that it wouldn’t be a problem for him.

So, how are you betraying your husband by continuing to do the thing you told him you did … the thing that brings you joy?

You had an open and honest conversation with him about it at the beginning and he shared what he thought to be true at the time—he said of course it wouldn’t be a problem.

In other words, by having an honest conversation, you both demonstrated good faith with each other. It’s just that neither of you had the power to predict the future.

Back then, your husband imagined that it wouldn’t be an issue for him. It turns out that it’s more complicated. I have a lot of empathy for your husband. I imagine he and I have something in common. We have both imagined ourselves to be comfortable with things that we discover later, maybe to our chagrin, make us uncomfortable.

But, even though he’s uncomfortable, he says he doesn’t want to be the reason you quit doing something that makes you happy. He says he supports you (even though he doesn’t really get it). But then he makes faces and noises and clearly demonstrates that even though he doesn’t want to be the reason you quit, he doesn’t really like it.

Sometimes it’s hard to take people at their word when it seems like their words and their actions don’t line up.

Your husband has an inner conflict here. There’s the part of him that values supporting you and being true to his word. I think you can take that at face value: he wants you to do the things that make you happy. Then there’s the other part of him that feels uncomfortable and maybe has some difficult feelings that get stirred up in him around your burlesque dancing.

The hard thing with relationships is that those early conversations we have with a partner aren’t going to cover everything that will come up in the future. We can’t know then what we will only know later on, down the road, when we’ve learned more about ourselves and the other person. We can’t know exactly what questions to ask, where we might press a little more or dig a little deeper. We don’t have the ability to predict what sorts of issues might arise in the future.

That’s why marriage is one big, long learning experience. It’s impossible to settle everything in those early conversations.

We can’t get a guarantee from the other person that something won’t become a problem later, even if it’s not a problem now. Maybe they say they don’t want kids, but later on it turns out they do. Or maybe they think they do want kids, but later realize they don’t. Or maybe they think there’s no way their partner’s love of burlesque performance won’t be a problem … and then later they feel differently.

This is why it’s so important to approach relationships as an invitation to continually grow as individuals and also together as a couple. This is why there’s no such thing as putting a relationship on auto-pilot, like you could just program it at the beginning to run a straight course without encountering any obstacles or adventures along the way.

So what do you do now that you know the thing you love makes him uncomfortable? This question takes us back to where you ended your question, which is how to pursue your art without feeling like you are betraying your husband.

Here’s what I can see from the outside. You’re not betraying your husband by continuing with your passion. You shared it with him upfront in the beginning. And he hasn’t betrayed you either by going back on his word that it wasn’t going to be a problem. Because he couldn’t predict how he might feel at some point in the future, he had to take his best guess based on how he felt back then.

But maybe the problem isn’t so much that you think you’re betraying him as it is that you feel like you’re betraying him by doing something that makes him uncomfortable.

So, let me ask you: What sorts of promises did you make when you two committed to do this life together? Did you promise to never make him uncomfortable? My guess is no. But maybe you (and your husband) had an unspoken assumption that loving someone means not doing things that make the other person uncomfortable.

Most relationships have these kinds of unconscious, unspoken assumptions.

It’s like we fall in love and make a commitment and part of that commitment is what I call the secret relationship contract: I promise to never rock the boat or I promise to never bring up any issues or problems as long as you don’t bring any up either or I promise to never talk about your drinking or I promise to never complain about your obnoxious mother.

All these kinds of secret relationship contracts might work for a while, but over time they become more and more constraining to both people. It’s like being planted in a container that’s way too small to go the distance.

Relationships that don’t grow don’t just stand still. They wither.

So, from where I’m sitting, this looks like a fantastic growth opportunity for this almost picture-perfect relationship. It looks like an opportunity to love each other through the discomfort. It looks like an invitation to have some deep talks. Could he be curious about why burlesque lights you up? Could you be curious about what’s behind those reactions he has?

And on that note, I’m wishing you a series of long conversations in which you both emerge feeling closer together and more at peace with your differences.

~Angela

about angela Amias, LCSW

Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s  also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships. 

As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun. 

Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.

DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.