Tomás writes: “My wife doesn’t get along with my mother and sister which makes holiday gatherings stressful for everyone, especially because it’s usually just the four of us. My wife complains that my mother and sister are rude to her and I see that does happen. I’ve told her that’s just how they are. They can be difficult but it’s a lot easier if you know how to manage them which is what I do. What’s made things a lot easier for me is just letting them have their own way. But my wife doesn’t take my suggestions for how to get along with them, which I think is why she has so much more trouble with them than I do. We usually spend four or five days with them over Christmas, but this year my wife is always so stressed out about them coming to visit that now I’m dreading it too. I’m tired of being caught in the middle and listening to both sides complain about each other.”

Dear Tomás,

Ah … the holidays and all that cozy family together time. It looks a lot easier in the movies than in real life, where family time—especially during the holidays—can end up becoming a clash of personalities. It’s especially hard when you find yourself occupying the role of the go-between and peacemaker, who smooths everything out and tries to help everyone get along.

Here’s the thing about families that you may not have ever considered before. Every single family out there has its own unspoken family rules. And each family’s unspoken rules are different.

So you grew up in this particular family and you’ve been learning these rules ever since you were little. Whether or not you’ve always chosen to follow those family rules is a different story. Maybe you didn’t follow the rules when you were younger and only now it feels easier just giving in and “letting them have their own way.” Maybe you’ve decided there’s no point in trying to push back against the rule in your family that says: the way to get along in this family is to always give in. 

Maybe for you there came a time when it no longer felt worth it to push back or fight or argue or otherwise refuse to go along with things.

It makes sense that, even if you put up a fight for a while, eventually you would just start going along with these family rules. Even though the rules aren’t fair (and why should your mom and sister get their way all the time?), it still takes a lot of effort to try to change the rules. 

And if you know your mother and sister aren’t going to work with you to change these rules, what’s the point in even trying? The strategy of going along to get along makes a lot of sense in a family like yours. You know that if you play by the family rules, you can get through a holiday family visit with the least amount of stress and then move on with your life.

I can see why—after finally figuring out how to deal with your mother and sister—you would want to help your wife learn how to get along with them too, by just giving in to them to keep the peace.

But here’s the thing: your wife didn’t grow up in this family. These aren’t her family rules. She grew up in a different family with different family rules. Those are the rules she knows how to play by. (And just like for you, whether she chooses to play by her family rules is a different question.)

While it may seem like an easy thing for your wife to learn the rules of your family and play according to those rules by adopting the same approach you use—of just going along with your mother and sister—that’s not a fair expectation to have for her.

I’m guessing that when you two got married, you made a lot of vows to each other. But I would bet that none of those vows included having to play by unfair rules in each other’s families in order to keep the peace and stand silently by while in-laws behaved badly.

I’ve seen a lot of different family rules over the years.

There’s the rule: When Dad throws a tantrum, everyone look busy and pretend like nothing bad is happening.

And this one: When Mom plays favorites with the grandchildren of oldest son while ignoring or criticizing her other grandchildren, just act like that’s normal.

There’s also:When Aunt Sally starts spouting racist remarks at the dinner table, keep your eyes on your plate until she stops or ask someone to pass the potatoes. 

And don’t forget this one: Yes, Big Sister goes on a tirade and verbally attacks others when she’s had too much to drink. Just laugh and play it off like she didn’t really mean what she said.

Some of those examples may sound a lot worse than the rule in your family of just giving your sister and mother their way to keep the peace. And perhaps some of those examples are worse … but it also might be the case that you’re just used to the rules in your family and those rules actually feel really bad to your wife. Maybe.

Here’s the other problem I’ve seen with expecting a partner to play by the rules of your family.

A lot of times, even when partners try to learn the rules and go along with them (even when they know it’s not fair), it still doesn’t work.

You’re imagining that if your wife would just give in, things would be peaceful and you could enjoy family time without the tension. But that may not actually be the case. I’ve seen lots of situations in which families have these kinds of rules and who actually target a family member’s partner as the ‘outsider’ who can never do anything right.

Once you let go of the idea that your wife should adopt your approach to managing your mother and sister and recognize that that’s not a fair expectation to have of her, then you have the opportunity to approach the whole family situation differently.

I’m guessing that if your wife agrees to host family gatherings and spend several days with your family that she also wants things to go well. But in order to give that a chance to happen, you need to figure out what’s realistic to expect during these family gatherings and how you can go through this experience together.

What if instead of becoming the family mediator, the one who tries to make everyone get along (which essentially means leaning on your wife to go along because you already know your mother and sister well enough to know they’re not going to give in), you instead took some time to make a plan with your wife about how you two are going to handle it together when there’s tension or conflict.

So what would this look like?

Well, let’s say that you know from past experiences that when your mother and sister come to visit, they tend to start complaining very quickly into the visit about not having everything just the way they like it. There’s not enough space in the fridge or their rooms are too cold or the potatoes are overcooked or whatever. And they blame your wife and make critical comments and they also come to you privately with all their complaints.

First off, you don’t need to pass any of their private complaints on to your wife.

You don’t need to promise that you’ll talk to her or try to make things better. Once you recognize that their complaints are inevitable (no matter how much you run around trying to make everything just the way they like it), you can treat their complaints and comments like the wind … it comes, it goes, and you can’t stop it blowing.

Similarly, since you recognize that your mother and sister can be difficult, it’s probably not realistic to hope for a super-pleasant visit with lots of happy family together time.

Especially if your wife is the target of their negative or stressful behaviors, she’s probably going to need some breaks from the two of them. She might need to leave the house or hole up in her bedroom for several hours here and there. She will probably also need some time just with you when you two can reconnect and she can decompress a little from the stress of their visit.

This is where making a plan and talking it through with your wife—instead of just hoping for the best with the trip—is so key when it comes to dealing with difficult family members during an extended visit.

Changing the goal from trying to keep the peace by keeping your mother and sister happy to navigating this visit together with your wife means that you have some actionable ways to strengthen your marriage while also (hopefully) being able to relax a bit more during the family visit by taking the pressure off yourself to make everyone get along.

And on that note, I am wishing you and your wife the discovery of how working together through experiences like this can actually bring you closer together. And happy holidays too.

~Angela

Ask Angela is an advice column dedicated to the topic of having fulfilling relationships after trauma. Click HERE to submit a question for Angela.

DISCLAIMER: this content is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other licensed health care provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding a medical condition.

about angela Amias, LCSW

Angela Amias, LCSW is a relationship therapist and nationally-recognized expert on trauma and relationships. She’s the co-founder of Alchemy of Love, which provides trauma-informed relationship programs and resources. She’s  also the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships, which provides training and education to therapists and coaches who want to help their clients heal past wounds and create more fulfilling relationships. 

As an expert on trauma and relationships, Angela has been featured in numerous publications, including Today, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, The Independent, Well + Good, Inc., Forbes, Business Insider, Salon, MSN, Women’s Health and the Toronto Sun. 

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